Dear New Mom: It’s Really Hard

Dear New Mom:

Today was day #2 of pool time. Caleb loves splashing, but HATES the back of his head touching water. I found him this fun little float thingie and didn’t have to hold him the whole time!

And then he got splashed. The combination of being hungry and tired turned the tiny bits of chlorinated water into Caleb-seeking missiles. The result was one very upset Caleb and some very entertained adults.

This wasn’t much of a real crisis, but it did make my mama heart sad for my little guy. It’s really all just an illustration of the deeper feelings I’ve been experiencing. We discovered recently that Caleb lost three pounds while we were in Bolivia; since I was so sick, the only logical conclusion is that my milk thinned out too much for him to get much nutrition. I know there isn’t much I could have done, but the deep feelings of discouragement and failure that even when I did everything in my power to care for my little one, it wasn’t enough.

An email from my mom eased my mind a bit:

I remember like yesterday the night you were born – I held you with trembling arms and felt so overwhelmed by love and uncertainty – fearful that you would find out that I didn’t really know how to be a Mom. But God knew what he was doing when He gave you to us as our first born. You were born knowing what you wanted and how you wanted it to be done. I took my cues from you and off we went. Being your Mom enabled me to grow as a person. Your will challenged me constantly. You helped me identify what things were truly important – and this was constant; and sometimes exhausting! Over time, I became more confident in celebrating your unique strengths rather than trying to make you more like me. God reminded me that you belonged to Him first and my job was to recognize your “bent” and guide you in that way – His way. And so it became a wonderful adventure.

A wonderful adventure, indeed!

New mom, I know how hard it is to be responsible for this sweet little one you’ve been trusted with. I know how discouraging it can get. Have hope, there’s a smile waiting to brighten your day, just around the corner.

And when all else fails, there’s always nap time.

Dear New Mom: The Weight

If you fall into a pond of carp you will be hickied to death. (Ken Davis)

You’ll also get a lot of hickies if you hold Caleb too long; he has this misconception that my chin was created for him to suck on.

Dear New Mom, the above statements are completely unrelated to my letter, but I always feel more comfortable dealing with difficult topics with humor :)

New mom, this postpartum wait for the weight to disappear is one of the hardest parts of this mamahood thing. Just as I expected, my body is particularly gifted in growing at the sight of anything tasty and extremely stubborn in returning to it’s “normal” state. I know you hear me on that one. Now that the little man is 5 months old, it’s time to get serious.

For the first 3 months we were in Connecticut, mourning the loss of my dad. I could not handle the stress of developing the discipline needed to get my butt moving (in the dead of New England winter). I did alright with food and forced myself to drink as much water as I could ingest. In the 2 months since we have been home I have been much more disciplined with food. I was using MyFitnessPal (they have a great website and phone app) for awhile to get myself back into better habits and choices until I felt confident about doing it on my own.

I know how discouraging this journey can be. You think about those moments in high school and college when you thought you were just a little too pudgy. Now you look at those pictures and realize it’s the skinniest you’ll ever be. And you hear your husband tell you how beautiful you are and you want to punch him in the face. The thing is, I am convinced God has given men the gift to recognize beauty regardless of shape or size. We are so critical of ourselves and need to learn to trust our men.

Today, in this moment, I am deciding to choose to be disciplined in exercising more often than my 2-4 walks a week. I am deciding to be thankful that I am as healthy as I am while I am working towards a healthier goal. I am deciding to not be discouraged when I mess up, but to always get back into the routine.

We can do it, mamas. Just think about how you’ll enjoy playing with your babe when you feel better. Your husband will probably say you are drop dead gorgeous because you’ll be glowing with confidence.

So…here goes nothin’. A photo of me 5 months postpartum. It’s not great. It’s not horrible. It’s enough to make me want to fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes instead of buying a new wardrobe.

Going to start the Couch to 5k program again and keep doing the weights I have been. We’re going to be up at a high altitude for awhile, so even just walking will be an extraordinary workout!

Mamas who have been at this for awhile. What tips can you give us new mamas?

Dear New Mom: Be Honest

About a month ago, someone sent me this article. This post has sat in my draft pile ever since. Then Rachel at Finding Joy posted this on Facebook and I felt compelled to finish writing.

Real motherhood is messy and wonderful and frustrating and rewarding. There are days you’ll consider a major success, others a massive failure, and some that are a little bit of both. Far too often, we only share the happy days; we paint a picture of our lives and, conveniently, leave out the icky parts. After all, no one worth anything has ever failed, right?!

I hope you noticed the sarcasm in that last sentence.

There is no perfect mom. You are uniquely equipped to parent your kids. I remember reading some where (probably something by Emily Freeman) that there is strength and courage in sharing weaknesses and fears. So true. When I can tell another mom what’s driving me off the deep end and she gives me advice on how she’s survived that particular frustration, I am a better mom because of it. Us moms have to band together.

Can I be honest? I’m going to be whether you like it or not, haha. When I see a mom posting only the wonderful and glorious moments of life, I wonder to myself, “What is she not saying?” No one has a “perfect” life, so why pretend? Why do we feel the need  to prove ourselves? Why are we so scared of the mess?

Stop worrying about whether you’re being the right kind of mom and go hug your babies. Play with them and let them know you love them. Motherhood is about pouring into those special little people, not about impressing everyone else. Comparing your life to others will only make you miserable. Instead of trying to measure up, we need to band together and encourage each other through this journey.

Dear New Mom: Grief

When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer. (Psalm 94:19)

I can’t be the only new mom who has wrestled with grief. Grief takes on many different shapes and sizes; it’s more than just the loss of a parent. It could be the loss of a child’s health, moving to a new place, or the transition from working full-time outside the home. Being a new mom is hard.

For me, the most difficult part of the new mom grieving process is all the little things. Some days, the grief is so overwhelming that the mundane tasks are the most insurmountable.

New Mom, encourage you to hang on. For each dark, sad day there are many more sunny days ahead. I had a dream last night that my dad was standing with me when Caleb said his first words. It’s sad to think he’ll never hear them, but I was comforted at the thought that Caleb will still have first words.

If I were to fly away on the wings of the dawn, and settle down on the other side of the sea, even there your hand would guide me, your right hand would grab hold of me. If I were to say, “Certainly the darkness will cover me, and the light will turn to night all around me,” even the darkness is not too dark for you to see, and the night is as bright as day; darkness and light are the same to you. (Psalm 139:9-12)

I am comforted to know that no matter how dark my grief may be, how long the nights may feel, or how ear-piercing the baby’s screams are, God is there to comfort me. That last statement may leave you rolling your eyes, but my life is evidence to God’s presence. I have survived the loss of important people in my life, life going in a direction I never wanted it to, and stressful circumstances that seemed debilitating at the time. I can’t say I came through unscathed, but I came through it all a better version of myself. I feel the the roots of my soul are more deeply secured. I have hope that the next seasons of grief will be different; they’ll always come and they’ll never be easy, but I like to think with each one, I am more equipped to deal with the next.

So, for now, I will trust my Comforter and fold laundry.

So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you! Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised. (Hebrews 10:35, 36)

Yet I am confident I will see the Lord’s goodness while I am here in the land of the living. (Psalm 27:13)

Give your burdens to the Lord, and he will take care of you. (Psalm 55:22a)

Dear New Mom: Balancing Expectations

Dear New Mom:

Balancing expectations is extremely difficult no matter who you are or which season of life you are in. I’ve found it nearly impossible in motherhood. Take today, for example: I have had a nasty chest cold for a few days and have developed a fever. As in, the “to do” list got thrown out the window and I’m stuck on the couch for the day.

I was supposed to run errands, go grocery shopping, do some housework, and get ready for a tea party tomorrow. Instead, I’m drinking tea, stuck on the couch, and feeling overwhelmed by the chaos around me. A couple weeks ago I had a total melt down. It ended in me sobbing to Keith that I just can’t seem to be a good enough wife and his life must’ve been easier before I came along. When he scoffed at me, I realized I was the only one seeing myself as a failure. Somehow I was putting ridiculous expectations on myself that I could never possibly fulfill.

I think part of my issue is that I am approaching motherhood from the lens of a former full-time teacher. I see each day as a list of things to accomplish and feel as if I’ve failed if they don’t get crossed off. My days are less quantifiable since there are not many deadlines in life anymore. I am learning to give myself grace and in the midst of it all, I realized my priorities were grossly misplaced.

I realized I was trying to please Keith. I was working for his acceptance instead of trusting that he loves me and wants me to be his wife (and his baby mama) because of who I am, not what I have earned or accomplished. In her book Grace for the Good Girl, Emily Freeman, puts it perfectly. She is referring to how we try to earn God’s acceptance, but it’s the same idea.

Though I never would have admitted it had I been asked, my deepest belief was that I had to perform for God in order to earn his acceptance. I would try hard to muster up the motivation I thought was required of me to achieve it, but there was always a sense of desperation, frustration, and fear that perhaps I wasn’t doing enough. That was the problem with my checklist theology: sometimes my list remained unchecked…I was trying to satisfy the law I had in my head…[I was] unable to perform anymore, defeated from all the effort. Instead of facing the failure and allowing the law to show me my need for a Savior, I consoled my failure with new and improved intentions to prove myself by myself. And the cycle continued. (p70)

I desperately need to stop trying to put my success in my checklist. Keeping home from chaos is a major part of this new full-time job, but my identity doesn’t rest in my ability to do so. Good thing it also doesn’t rest in how fresh the fruit in the fruit bowl is.

You see, some days we are able to accomplish everything we set out to. Other days we just have to accept defeat. And, don’t forget, those babies won’t be babies forever. Some days you just need to snuggle them and kiss their squishy little cheeks. There will always be more cooking, cleaning, and laundry to be done.

New mom, lighten up on yourself. You don’t have to earn your husband (or anyone else’s) acceptance, no matter how strongly you feel you do. Rest easy knowing you’re the right mom and wife for you family and no one will ever remember you by how clean (or not) your house was. Love on your family and everything else will fall into place.

Dear New Mom: Relax

Dear New Mom:

Now that I’m a veteran mom of 4 months (it’s okay, go ahead and laugh; it’s not a very long time, but it also feels like forever!), I feel like I’ve got a few things to share with new moms. The most important of which is RELAX!

Babies are incredibly resilient. They can withstand more physical and emotional stress than we give them credit for. Caleb rolled off a 1.5 foot high ottoman at 4 weeks old: it barely fazed him and I think Keith was more traumatized! Babies don’t know if you’re doing attachment parenting or BabyWise. Babies don’t really care. And, honestly, it doesn’t really matter. RELAX.

I was most worried about getting on a schedule and finding our groove as quickly as possible. Take a moment and laugh at me because that is absolutely ridiculous. For at least the first two weeks, you will be in survival mode. There’s nothing you can do about it. You and baby have just been through a lot of physical and emotional stress. You need a lot of rest and time to get to know one another. Even now that Caleb is almost 4 months, we are only just hitting our stride with napping. You’ll get there – soak in the moments you have with that sleepy little one. He or she will wake up soon enough and not want to snuggle any more. Laundry will get done by your hubby (or maybe not), but it doesn’t matter. You can stay in your pjs for three days if you want. Nobody cares: you’re a new mom, RELAX!

The one thing that has caught me most off guard is how quickly Caleb has picked up on new “tricks”. This kid is scary smart. I ask him to slow down on a regular basis. I can’t catch up. But it’s not a competition. Other kids will learn some things faster than him and will probably grow bigger than him. That’s okay. Each kid is so incredibly unique. Celebrate what your child is learning and how he or she is growing at their own pace. Don’t drive yourself crazy by comparing your baby to anyone else. Your baby just wants your love and snuggles from the very beginning, so don’t focus on achievements, just RELAX.

Have I mentioned that babies are resilient? Letting other people hold him or her will not kill the baby. More importantly, it will not kill you. Figure out what’s most important to you and which boundaries you are not willing to compromise on and just let everything else go. For example, when Caleb was three weeks old, we flew home for my dad’s funeral. During the reception afterwards, I had no clue where Caleb was. I knew someone in the family had him at all times and my friend was in “charge” of him; I knew that he was never out of her sight, so I didn’t even worry. But, when Caleb gets overtired, I’m all over that. There are very few people I’ll let hold him when he gets to that point because I know there’s only a small window before it will be impossible for him to fall asleep. You’ve got to make choices and let everything else roll off your back. RELAX.

Did you ever swear you’d never be like your parents? That’s fine. But guess what: you’re going to make your own mistakes with your kids and there’s nothing you can do about it. RELAX.

Shut down the computer. Hand the baby over to someone. Go do something that helps you relax. It doesn’t matter if it’s just 5 minutes. Go relax.

And don’t even get me started on feeling like you’re not being the “right” kind of parent or you’re not accomplishing enough. That’s another letter for another day.

Take the piece of advice a wise woman gave me: “You are designed to be just the right parent for your children.” So pour yourself a cup of tea, grab a book, or just snuggle that baby and relax!