31 Days of Grace

Recently, I was challenged to post once a day for 31 days. My posts can be as little as a single photo and as much as a full text article. At first, I thought it was way too much. How on earth will I ever be able to come up with something to post every day?!

Then I remembered a book I read recently: Grace for the Good Girl. Ever since reading it, I’ve been thinking more about grace and I’m learning a lot. I’m learning how to give others grace and accept it when it’s offered. More importantly, I’m learning how to show myself some grace.

So…for the 31 days of October, I’ll be posting something everyday about how I’ve experienced grace that day.

Big thanks to The Nester for inspiring this 31 Day series. Read some of my other posts on grace here, here, and here.

Grace Is Enough (Giveaway Winner)

The theme of this year has been grace. It pops up everywhere I go!

Tonight, for example, I am bashing by head against the wall. Well, there’s just a shred of integrity holding me back from actually doing it. Something is lost and I’m in one of those moods that I will lose my sanity if I do not find it immediately (or yesterday). I’ve tried the “it’ll show up eventually” method for the last few weeks and that hasn’t worked. The apartment has been turned upside down. I can’t think of a single place I haven’t looked. I feel like I’m losing my mind.

The thing is, I don’t really need to find it. It’s not a necessity and it’s not urgent. But my life will be in order and I will be a success if I can locate the missing object.

Red flag.

My worth is not connected to my success and keeping track of every little thing in the house doesn’t make me a better wife or mother. Grace. It means that I am loved just because, without having had to earn it. I need to give myself more grace.

I have worth because I exist and God loves me, not because of how I appear or what I can accomplish. And yet, somehow I continue to attempt to earn God’s love and approval. Silly me. Emily Freeman puts it best:

Sometimes I am this way with Jesus. Even though I know the Bible says I am not saved by my works but by faith, I still believe deep down that God is more accepting of those who perform well and do the right things than he is of those who do not.

I know in my head it’s not true.

I know I have been adopted into God’s family.

I know I am rescued from my own, messed up self.

I know that’s God’s grace is enough; if he is willing to love me even though I’m messed up, why am I so hard on myself?

When God looks at me, he doesn’t see the mess. He sees me complete because of Jesus. I am not now how I always will be. (Ty Neal)

Have you experienced grace? It’s changed my life. I dare you to try it.

Scripture truth takes effort, digging, and faith. Jesus’ truth doesn’t come in color, at least not at first. But as I sit with him and as I listen to the words he speaks and let them sink down deep and wide into me, the black and white begins to dance. (Emily Freeman)

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In other news, the winner of the giveaway is Shannon D’Angelo!

She’ll be receiving a Starbucks gift card and one of my favorite books: What’s So Amazing About Grace? I encourage you to find a copy and read it yourself. It made me realize why God’s grace is so extravagant and freeing.

Linked with Miscellany Monday.

The Impossible Day

I can’t shake the feeling that after my post “Sinking into Grace” some people might think I’ve got it altogether and because I feel peaceful means my life is full of peace as well.

That couldn’t be further from the truth.

Today, for example, I have wished several times that there really was such a thing as a Fairy Godmother. Seriously, she was getting lots of S.O.S. calls from this mama today. The day actually started out better than normal. Keith left for work and Caleb was still sleeping. I let myself lie in bed a bit longer and finally got up around 7. Caleb was wide awake and talking to himself in his crib. He was super happy to see me and we had a delightful 30 minutes together.

Then it all tanked. I thought it was going so well.

He screamed those inconsolable, angry, hurting cries no mom wants to hear for almost TWO HOURS. I tried everything: feeding, rocking, in the swing, in the sling, snuggled up in a soft blanket. Nothing even slowed him down. I really started to lose it when he gave me that, “Mama, I hurt. Fix it,” look. Ugh. It was shaping up to be an impossible day, one that would end with both of us in tears.

Finally, I decided to strip him down and start over. Clothes off and diaper changed. Still screaming. Then I remembered the charlie horse we had found the night before. Poor kid had a rock-hard knot in his thigh from his shots. I tried rubbing it out, which made the screaming worse and did nothing to soften it up. Next step was tylenol. Then into the swing, wrapped up in his soft blanket. Finally, some rest and sleep.

While I had the quiet, I slipped into my room and snuggled under the covers with my book – it’s a rainy day in Las Vegas, a girl has to take advantage! I got about halfway through the chapter before the screaming started again. Snuggling didn’t work. Rocking, singing, and all our other go-to’s weren’t even calming him down for a moment. So I made a warm compress and used it to try and loosen up his muscle again. That seemed to work a little, but not enough for him to relax. After he ate, he snuggled into my lap and started playing with his feet and I knew we’d survive the day.

I have no doubt there will be more pain-filled cries today, but now I know we’ll make it through (I wasn’t sure during that long 2 hour stretch). While he’s playing on his activity mat, I got to finish my chapter and write this post. I was comforted by this passage in my book and hope it’ll  encourage you through an impossible day as well:

Even in the midst of lots of activity, our souls have permission to rest. I don’t always choose rest, but this is a sweet reminder to me that I have that option.

– Emily P. Freeman, “Grace for the Good Girl”

Sinking into Grace

In church yesterday morning, the thought came to mind that I’ve changed some how. And then I realized that I have allowed God’s grace to fill every corner of my life.

Gosh, that just sounds so cliche.

And yet, it’s true. For the first time in my life, I am not so hard on myself when I don’t meet my own expectations. I don’t experience the same amount of anger when someone or something disappoints me. I am truly at peace even with impending change swirling around me.

This weekend I finally replied to several emails and messages from friends that had reached out to me before Christmas. I felt bad that it took me so long to respond, but I didn’t have the words until now. I’m learning to be okay with taking time to do things and not being efficient with everything. I am accepting grace for those times when I feel like I’ve dropped the ball.

The trick is realizing that I wasn’t born with this grace. I didn’t even receive it because I earned it or wanted it badly enough. I was given grace because I realized that I’m not good enough, but God loves me anyways. This deep and peace-giving grace is a gift I will never deserve. And no matter how good, bad, or upside down you are, you’ll never deserve it either. And yet, for reasons I’ll never quite understand, this mysterious grace is a beautiful gift just waiting for us to unwrap it.

There is a song by David Crowder Band that haunts my soul. It’s the song that I have sung to Caleb when he is inconsolable since he was born and I have hummed it to myself since the moment I first heard it. The entire song is beautiful poetry, but there are two lines that have been bouncing around in my brain the last 24 hours.

Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If His grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.

Those words hit me right in the place where they echo from my thoughts to my heart and back again. I am letting go and sinking deeper and deeper into this grace and thankful that the deeper I go, the harder it is to escape.

God’s desire is that we live in freedom and drink from the wide, deep, powerful River of Life. – Emily Freeman (Grace for the Good Girl)

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Don’t forget to enter the giveaway! Info here and open for entries through Wednesday, March 4!

Dear New Mom: Balancing Expectations

Dear New Mom:

Balancing expectations is extremely difficult no matter who you are or which season of life you are in. I’ve found it nearly impossible in motherhood. Take today, for example: I have had a nasty chest cold for a few days and have developed a fever. As in, the “to do” list got thrown out the window and I’m stuck on the couch for the day.

I was supposed to run errands, go grocery shopping, do some housework, and get ready for a tea party tomorrow. Instead, I’m drinking tea, stuck on the couch, and feeling overwhelmed by the chaos around me. A couple weeks ago I had a total melt down. It ended in me sobbing to Keith that I just can’t seem to be a good enough wife and his life must’ve been easier before I came along. When he scoffed at me, I realized I was the only one seeing myself as a failure. Somehow I was putting ridiculous expectations on myself that I could never possibly fulfill.

I think part of my issue is that I am approaching motherhood from the lens of a former full-time teacher. I see each day as a list of things to accomplish and feel as if I’ve failed if they don’t get crossed off. My days are less quantifiable since there are not many deadlines in life anymore. I am learning to give myself grace and in the midst of it all, I realized my priorities were grossly misplaced.

I realized I was trying to please Keith. I was working for his acceptance instead of trusting that he loves me and wants me to be his wife (and his baby mama) because of who I am, not what I have earned or accomplished. In her book Grace for the Good Girl, Emily Freeman, puts it perfectly. She is referring to how we try to earn God’s acceptance, but it’s the same idea.

Though I never would have admitted it had I been asked, my deepest belief was that I had to perform for God in order to earn his acceptance. I would try hard to muster up the motivation I thought was required of me to achieve it, but there was always a sense of desperation, frustration, and fear that perhaps I wasn’t doing enough. That was the problem with my checklist theology: sometimes my list remained unchecked…I was trying to satisfy the law I had in my head…[I was] unable to perform anymore, defeated from all the effort. Instead of facing the failure and allowing the law to show me my need for a Savior, I consoled my failure with new and improved intentions to prove myself by myself. And the cycle continued. (p70)

I desperately need to stop trying to put my success in my checklist. Keeping home from chaos is a major part of this new full-time job, but my identity doesn’t rest in my ability to do so. Good thing it also doesn’t rest in how fresh the fruit in the fruit bowl is.

You see, some days we are able to accomplish everything we set out to. Other days we just have to accept defeat. And, don’t forget, those babies won’t be babies forever. Some days you just need to snuggle them and kiss their squishy little cheeks. There will always be more cooking, cleaning, and laundry to be done.

New mom, lighten up on yourself. You don’t have to earn your husband (or anyone else’s) acceptance, no matter how strongly you feel you do. Rest easy knowing you’re the right mom and wife for you family and no one will ever remember you by how clean (or not) your house was. Love on your family and everything else will fall into place.